An Epic Fall = A&E

Yus, i had a fab fall from a very big horse today.
He tanked off, bucked, did a hand brake turn and off i went. My head hit the fence with a very loud bang and i was left in a heap on the floor.
So i was shipped off to A&E where i have spent the afternoon. I have a lovely bump on my head. it caught the bottom of my hat and my head so i have a very cool bump and my hat is broken.
I have lovely grazes and bruises already, i ache like a bitch already and i was lucky to get out of there tonight. They want me to stay at my dads so he can keep an eye on me, he's at work at the mo so i got dropped off home instead. I really did not want to stay in hospital and i dont want to stay at my dads.

I'll be fine and back to the yard tomorrow. Im sure of it.

Good Day? Bad Day?

It depends on how you look at it.
On the one hand, i have finally gotten around to tidying my pig-sty of a room. It was truly awful and i had been putting it off. my low mood did not help. instead of doing all the things i was meant to do, like coursework, i stayed in bed and did nothing but smoke and drink copious amounts of pepsi max. (except when i was at the yard but even then i didnt do a great deal)
So i cleaned and organised my room and now it looks great.

The bad part of my day:

I woke up feeling pretty rubbish, i didnt have a great night sleep as i was worrying about my mum. She left for Cuba yesterday and had alsorts of problems with delays and stuff. Also, im already missing her, even though i dont see her that often, i speak to her almost everyday and now i have to wait two weeks until i speak to her again.
But, i felt really low and was craving a binge.
So, i got up, showered and walked to morrisons where i bought a load of shit and more diet coke. I hate doing this as i dont have the money to keep doing it but i still do it.
I then went to my dads instead of coming home as i knew i could binge and purge without being heard. I munched my way through 10 morrisons doughnuts and 4 crunch corner yogurts and had an awful lot of diet coke...as you can imagine, it was quite fucking disgusting.

So that put the downer on my day. I hate myself afterwards but it never stops me doing it. once its in my head, i have to do it. So out come the bloody laxatives and the pro plus and here comes a few days of pain to get the rest of the shit out if there is anything left after the purge.

When i read it back, it sounds, i dont know...not how i want to come across. (this isnt making sense i know) I want people to know, this is NOT ok. this is NOT the way to go to get 'skinny'. Because it certainly doesnt make you skinny and it certainly buggers your body up. I wish i had never gotten into this disorder but i cant just quit doing it and i need and want help. Its just a case of waiting for it.
And its a long, hard and frustrating wait.

S.A.D

I thought i should finally update. this is probably going to be short as i just got back from the yard and im not feeling too well.
Things have been extremely erratic recently. having good and bad days and am currently still battling with a major relapse with the ED.
I guess i have been restricting alot recently but i cant seem to eat 'normally'. I have been making sure im eating a lot of fruit and veg and a few nuts and keeping hydrated. i have managed not to binge and purge since friday and although i had a huge urge to binge today, i ate loads of fruit and made smoothies.

since i had swine flu a little while ago, ive had a cough which has now turned into a chest infection and its left me feeling really drained.

ive come home and im shattered so im going to have a nap and then i have to do my coursework. it has to be handed in tomorrow. I always leave these things to the last minute.

Chain Smoking Wreck.

Hmm...things are not going well and i had to text my therapist.
Major relapse with the Eating.
But messaging her made me feel worse as i got a reply which didnt really help. She had managed to get hold of the ED team but has been told it is unlikely i will be seen for 'many months'.
I told her i was really struggling with my eating and i have relapsed with the selfharm and laxative/pro plus abuse.
She said she will talk about it with me when i next see her, which is the 16th november.

I find it so frustrating though. i dont want to be like this, i hate this whole disorder and i want the help. but the adult mental health service in my area (especially the eating disorder service) is not very good at all.

So i have been home, in bed since 3pm. I went to the yard and barely sat down all day. Im so exhausted and emotional right now.

Clawing my way out of the downward spiral

So im home from a brilliant time at my mums, i didnt want to come home.
I spent all my days with her, we went shopping and i actually bought a dress!
*shock horror*
she bought me some new jewellery and i got a new tattoo. Its a little sunflower with a couple of tribal swirls near my ankle, in memory of my nan.
I walked my dogs and played with them in the garden and just generally had fun. I really didnt want to come home and for the first couple of days i was really tearful.

Then, my friends encouraged me to have a party on saturday night. ALOT of alcohol was consumed and then i had a relapse when the guys went to bed.
I binged on the last of the food and purged...and collapsed in the bathroom where i woke up in the morning. Classy.

I spent yesterday extremely hungover but once again binging.
Today, the photos have been posted and i look AWFUL.
Today i have been depressed and tearful, i have relapsed with the laxative and pro plus abuse, barely eaten anything and im just struggling alot.

im back at the yard tomorrow so i hope it will make me feel a little better. i hate this feeling, being so out of control and miserable and not knowing what the hell to do.

my therapist is still trying to find out how far up the waiting list i am for the ED team...
i need help soon. i really do. Maybe im not underweight but bulimia is just as damaging as anorexia. I miss being underweight though, i felt better in myself even though it wasnt enough, i wanted to be thinner...now i feel like im a failure. a huge failure.

Eating Disorders are so dangerous, i never thought it would get this bad. Never thought it would get so out of control.

Break

I'm off to my mums later :)
im quite excited.
i need to get away from this house and this city for a while and go see my mum and my dogs.
All packed and ready to go but im seeing my dad first so i should really get out of my bed.
I cannot wait to get to my mums, i really cant. I've missed her so much and my dogs and even the crazy kitten...well, cat now.
I love cats but this one is just bonkers. Seriously bonkers.

I'm far too excited to even typ really so i may update you when im there or you may have to wait til i get home which will be a few days.

Have a good day :)

Well and truly p'd off.

So i went to the dentist and sat there for 45minutes, eventually went in and he checked my teeth. I need two fillings for which i need to book another appointment as it was now their lunchtime. 10th November i need to go back.

I did a bit of shopping and came home, did nothing the whole afternoon.

Mum called me and told me the coroner came to the verdict of suicide. No surprise there then.

Then here comes the part where im well and truly pissed off:

My housemate opens the front door, i look up to see her walking in wearing my top. She runs upstairs so i dont have a go at her. She then comes downstairs wearing ANOTHER one of my tops and i point that out.
I then go up to her room where i find my airer, my pair of jeans, a pair of my black trousers, my 3/4 length leggings, another top of mine and here comes the worst...my bra and a pair of my thongs.

Yes.

And even worse...i KNOW they were in my wash bin.
She is revolting.
And im sick of her taking my things without asking. She goes through my drawers all the time. I know she has read my diary, she has used my make up, my washing stuff, everything.

There is even a sign on my door saying to stay out of my room and to not take my things. She says she is at uni so i thought she should be able to read. Im going to get my dad to put a padlock on there as my landlord still hasnt given me a key to my room. He is useless.
And my dad hates my housemate for many many reasons.

Also, i know for a fact she has dropped out of uni because she hasnt got any folders, no work, no nothing and i have seen her out and about when she has called me saying she is at a lecture. She also lies about being at her boyfriends, i dont care that she's there, i dont care that he cheats on her and got her pregnant and she had to have an abortion, i dont care. just dont lie to me.
I despise liars.

Grrr.

So i am off to my daddys. Im going to go chill out and may even stay there the night. My poor hamster hasnt had much attention these days, i do feel sorry for him. I mean, whenever im here bored, he's asleep and then when i want to go to sleep, he wakes up and tries his best to be as noisy as he can to keep me awake.

Yard tomorrow, then a whole week off.

*dances around a little*