Happy New Year.

Hey!
Havent updated in a while.
Exams, Xmas and now New Years...
and i have a stinkin rotten cold! :( but i love lemsip Breathe easy, it has saved my life. Well, not literally but it has helped alot.
My dad is going on about going to the flaming doctors because of my cough but what is it with people going to the doctors for EVERY little thing. I will see how it goes, im sure i will not have a cough in two weeks time. I have a COLD, im not dying.

So... i passed my exams :D yes, i am very happy about that.

Ive had a difficult xmas because of my grandparents not being there and my own personal mental health shit.

And new years, because of this cold i am staying home, in bed, sleeping.

Well, it depends. i use this support site and usually there will be a few people taking OD's or cutting and then telling us, who want a relaxing night in. I know i will be up for hours telling them to go to the hospital and then poor old paramedic/nurse person has to take over and this is the billionth time they have done this so far...

Happens every year. So i'll have fun.
But i must admit, i was like that as a youngster but never xmas or New years but still... argh. im rambling. so tired. must sleep.

I dont have a good title.

things have been going well lately.
Ive had really good feedback from the yard saying i am doing really well and i should fly through these exams. i mean, im teaching the other candidates!! haha. ive been acting yard manager to test my people skills and the only problem is that i back down when people argue with me.
Theres one girl, well really she's a woman, who needs ALOT of training and she argued with me about a rider assessment and i backed down and let her get on with it so thats what i need to sort out.

Its really hard for me though as the others that are training are mid twenties and older. i am not even 21 yet and they know it. They are all so immature though, always bitching and having petty arguments. The best one, over a LADYBIRD.
Yes, thats right, a ladybird.

So im happy at the yard, everything is going well and im feeling pretty positive about it all.

Home life, its ok i suppose. Still struggling with my own stuff and i miss my mum so much but she is home tomorrow and i cant wait to speak to her :D im actually excited now and trying not to bounce everywhere.

I spent yesterday on dover pier with my dad as he was fishing so i kept him company and helped him out. He wanted a Cod as it is cod season and he hasnt caught one in a long time. A bloke next to us needed our help bringing up a 7lb one which was fun but no one else had caught one at all in the past few hours. one other bloke had one quite a bit earlier but otherwise there was nothing.
Then, my dad pulled up a 3lb one so he was very happy and that was the last one of the day, not a sniff after that for anyone :)
Cod for dinner tonight then.

Ive come home and im meant to be hopping in the shower and getting ready as my brother is coming down so i had better get a move on :)

Caffeine Drip Please?

This blog is coming to you at 6:41am after 0hours of sleep.

Blame the fecking hamster.

I have to leave for the yard soon and im going to need a stupid amount of coffee to get me through the day.

I have been booked in for De-Fib training to go alongside my First Aid for next week. Apparently all leisure industries need one now??
I have also been booked in for a riding exam the week after next AND i have my riding element of my course the week after that.

I have LOTS of training to do, come wind, rain, sleet or snow, i will be out on the yard working my butt off. Im not sure i am going to make it through today though.

Why the feck do i own hamsters?? He kept me awake with chewing his cage instead of his toys and then buggered off to bed after i had an argument with him (bags under eyes, hair on end, almost crying)and then i couldnt get to sleep. So he has had a wonderful kip and had brilliant fun annoying me and im left feeling like the living dead.

(enter expletives here)

Ups & Downs

I'm now fully recovered from my fall :)
Well, i still have a few cuts and bruises but hey im feeling better.
My exam went well and i will find out my results in 2-3weeks apparently but i am feeling very positive about it and if i do by any chance fail then i am an idiot.
I thought it was easy. The exam paper was meant to take an hour and i took ten minutes and i did check it and double check it in that time.
It was all pretty much common sense apart from a few questions about a horses temperature, pulse and respiration and things about colic and other horsey ailments but the rest was about traveling a horse and the legislation and DEFRA.
I thought it was easy peasy and of course, showing that i can walk a horse up a ramp and down a ramp safely was not exactly rocket science. Ive done it a hundred times without managing to kill myself, the horse or anyone else so i think i have a very good chance of passing.

So that was friday.

Saturday i did my washing and bought new riding gear as mine was really looking scruffy. I cant quite afford a new hat at the moment though so im hoping i dont fall off again anytime soon as my hat is probably not going to help me much anymore.
I also went and bought some hair dye, ive decided to go darker again. I havent dyed my hair or even had it cut in a couple of years. Its long and a boring colour. Well, my friends like it because i have natural blonde highlights, they look like ive dyed it that way but i really havent. So im covering up the brown and blonde with dark brown. I'm leaving that til tomorrow when i have time to make sure i do it properly.

Today i have done hardly anything, my dad made me walk along the pier in Dover with him so he could see what fish were caught. I was not happy as it was awful weather, i mean really strong winds and chucking it down! And it was freezing.
I then proceeded to watch a recording of Badminton Horse Trials and the Arsenal and Chelsea match. Again, not happy with the result. Chelsea are the most irritating team ever. But i am pleased Kettering Town did good against Leeds :)

And being the sad person i am, i watched the X Factor. Im not enjoying it this year but its the only thing to watch on a sunday night and i like to look at Dermot O'Leary. :P

I did have some bad news about someone though and it looks like im going to be attending yet another funeral before the year is out. I dont really know what to write about it to be honest, i think i need time to let it sink in.

Tomorrow its time to go and tick the crazy or not crazy box. Yup, its mental health team appointment time again. Fun.

But for now, im pooped. Im going to climb into bed and watch Friends yet again and hopefully get a good night sleep :) x

aches and pains.

Its been two days since my fall and even though i went to the yard yesterday, i had to take the day off today.
My head still hurts and im tired and achey.
I went to the yard yesterday and i really shouldnt have. i was tired and in pain and emotional. Its funny how a bang to the head can mess you up so much.
This morning i woke up and pulled the duvet over my head, i text the people i needed to text and im staying in bed.
I HAVE to be at the yard tomorrow as i have an exam :( i dont have the energy to do it at the moment but i know i have to go or else i will be in alot of trouble with my yard manager.
Im out of painkillers and pepsi max so im going to have to go to the shop. Argh...
i want to go back to sleep.

An Epic Fall = A&E

Yus, i had a fab fall from a very big horse today.
He tanked off, bucked, did a hand brake turn and off i went. My head hit the fence with a very loud bang and i was left in a heap on the floor.
So i was shipped off to A&E where i have spent the afternoon. I have a lovely bump on my head. it caught the bottom of my hat and my head so i have a very cool bump and my hat is broken.
I have lovely grazes and bruises already, i ache like a bitch already and i was lucky to get out of there tonight. They want me to stay at my dads so he can keep an eye on me, he's at work at the mo so i got dropped off home instead. I really did not want to stay in hospital and i dont want to stay at my dads.

I'll be fine and back to the yard tomorrow. Im sure of it.

Good Day? Bad Day?

It depends on how you look at it.
On the one hand, i have finally gotten around to tidying my pig-sty of a room. It was truly awful and i had been putting it off. my low mood did not help. instead of doing all the things i was meant to do, like coursework, i stayed in bed and did nothing but smoke and drink copious amounts of pepsi max. (except when i was at the yard but even then i didnt do a great deal)
So i cleaned and organised my room and now it looks great.

The bad part of my day:

I woke up feeling pretty rubbish, i didnt have a great night sleep as i was worrying about my mum. She left for Cuba yesterday and had alsorts of problems with delays and stuff. Also, im already missing her, even though i dont see her that often, i speak to her almost everyday and now i have to wait two weeks until i speak to her again.
But, i felt really low and was craving a binge.
So, i got up, showered and walked to morrisons where i bought a load of shit and more diet coke. I hate doing this as i dont have the money to keep doing it but i still do it.
I then went to my dads instead of coming home as i knew i could binge and purge without being heard. I munched my way through 10 morrisons doughnuts and 4 crunch corner yogurts and had an awful lot of diet coke...as you can imagine, it was quite fucking disgusting.

So that put the downer on my day. I hate myself afterwards but it never stops me doing it. once its in my head, i have to do it. So out come the bloody laxatives and the pro plus and here comes a few days of pain to get the rest of the shit out if there is anything left after the purge.

When i read it back, it sounds, i dont know...not how i want to come across. (this isnt making sense i know) I want people to know, this is NOT ok. this is NOT the way to go to get 'skinny'. Because it certainly doesnt make you skinny and it certainly buggers your body up. I wish i had never gotten into this disorder but i cant just quit doing it and i need and want help. Its just a case of waiting for it.
And its a long, hard and frustrating wait.