Ups & Downs

I'm now fully recovered from my fall :)
Well, i still have a few cuts and bruises but hey im feeling better.
My exam went well and i will find out my results in 2-3weeks apparently but i am feeling very positive about it and if i do by any chance fail then i am an idiot.
I thought it was easy. The exam paper was meant to take an hour and i took ten minutes and i did check it and double check it in that time.
It was all pretty much common sense apart from a few questions about a horses temperature, pulse and respiration and things about colic and other horsey ailments but the rest was about traveling a horse and the legislation and DEFRA.
I thought it was easy peasy and of course, showing that i can walk a horse up a ramp and down a ramp safely was not exactly rocket science. Ive done it a hundred times without managing to kill myself, the horse or anyone else so i think i have a very good chance of passing.

So that was friday.

Saturday i did my washing and bought new riding gear as mine was really looking scruffy. I cant quite afford a new hat at the moment though so im hoping i dont fall off again anytime soon as my hat is probably not going to help me much anymore.
I also went and bought some hair dye, ive decided to go darker again. I havent dyed my hair or even had it cut in a couple of years. Its long and a boring colour. Well, my friends like it because i have natural blonde highlights, they look like ive dyed it that way but i really havent. So im covering up the brown and blonde with dark brown. I'm leaving that til tomorrow when i have time to make sure i do it properly.

Today i have done hardly anything, my dad made me walk along the pier in Dover with him so he could see what fish were caught. I was not happy as it was awful weather, i mean really strong winds and chucking it down! And it was freezing.
I then proceeded to watch a recording of Badminton Horse Trials and the Arsenal and Chelsea match. Again, not happy with the result. Chelsea are the most irritating team ever. But i am pleased Kettering Town did good against Leeds :)

And being the sad person i am, i watched the X Factor. Im not enjoying it this year but its the only thing to watch on a sunday night and i like to look at Dermot O'Leary. :P

I did have some bad news about someone though and it looks like im going to be attending yet another funeral before the year is out. I dont really know what to write about it to be honest, i think i need time to let it sink in.

Tomorrow its time to go and tick the crazy or not crazy box. Yup, its mental health team appointment time again. Fun.

But for now, im pooped. Im going to climb into bed and watch Friends yet again and hopefully get a good night sleep :) x

aches and pains.

Its been two days since my fall and even though i went to the yard yesterday, i had to take the day off today.
My head still hurts and im tired and achey.
I went to the yard yesterday and i really shouldnt have. i was tired and in pain and emotional. Its funny how a bang to the head can mess you up so much.
This morning i woke up and pulled the duvet over my head, i text the people i needed to text and im staying in bed.
I HAVE to be at the yard tomorrow as i have an exam :( i dont have the energy to do it at the moment but i know i have to go or else i will be in alot of trouble with my yard manager.
Im out of painkillers and pepsi max so im going to have to go to the shop. Argh...
i want to go back to sleep.

An Epic Fall = A&E

Yus, i had a fab fall from a very big horse today.
He tanked off, bucked, did a hand brake turn and off i went. My head hit the fence with a very loud bang and i was left in a heap on the floor.
So i was shipped off to A&E where i have spent the afternoon. I have a lovely bump on my head. it caught the bottom of my hat and my head so i have a very cool bump and my hat is broken.
I have lovely grazes and bruises already, i ache like a bitch already and i was lucky to get out of there tonight. They want me to stay at my dads so he can keep an eye on me, he's at work at the mo so i got dropped off home instead. I really did not want to stay in hospital and i dont want to stay at my dads.

I'll be fine and back to the yard tomorrow. Im sure of it.

Good Day? Bad Day?

It depends on how you look at it.
On the one hand, i have finally gotten around to tidying my pig-sty of a room. It was truly awful and i had been putting it off. my low mood did not help. instead of doing all the things i was meant to do, like coursework, i stayed in bed and did nothing but smoke and drink copious amounts of pepsi max. (except when i was at the yard but even then i didnt do a great deal)
So i cleaned and organised my room and now it looks great.

The bad part of my day:

I woke up feeling pretty rubbish, i didnt have a great night sleep as i was worrying about my mum. She left for Cuba yesterday and had alsorts of problems with delays and stuff. Also, im already missing her, even though i dont see her that often, i speak to her almost everyday and now i have to wait two weeks until i speak to her again.
But, i felt really low and was craving a binge.
So, i got up, showered and walked to morrisons where i bought a load of shit and more diet coke. I hate doing this as i dont have the money to keep doing it but i still do it.
I then went to my dads instead of coming home as i knew i could binge and purge without being heard. I munched my way through 10 morrisons doughnuts and 4 crunch corner yogurts and had an awful lot of diet coke...as you can imagine, it was quite fucking disgusting.

So that put the downer on my day. I hate myself afterwards but it never stops me doing it. once its in my head, i have to do it. So out come the bloody laxatives and the pro plus and here comes a few days of pain to get the rest of the shit out if there is anything left after the purge.

When i read it back, it sounds, i dont know...not how i want to come across. (this isnt making sense i know) I want people to know, this is NOT ok. this is NOT the way to go to get 'skinny'. Because it certainly doesnt make you skinny and it certainly buggers your body up. I wish i had never gotten into this disorder but i cant just quit doing it and i need and want help. Its just a case of waiting for it.
And its a long, hard and frustrating wait.

S.A.D

I thought i should finally update. this is probably going to be short as i just got back from the yard and im not feeling too well.
Things have been extremely erratic recently. having good and bad days and am currently still battling with a major relapse with the ED.
I guess i have been restricting alot recently but i cant seem to eat 'normally'. I have been making sure im eating a lot of fruit and veg and a few nuts and keeping hydrated. i have managed not to binge and purge since friday and although i had a huge urge to binge today, i ate loads of fruit and made smoothies.

since i had swine flu a little while ago, ive had a cough which has now turned into a chest infection and its left me feeling really drained.

ive come home and im shattered so im going to have a nap and then i have to do my coursework. it has to be handed in tomorrow. I always leave these things to the last minute.

Chain Smoking Wreck.

Hmm...things are not going well and i had to text my therapist.
Major relapse with the Eating.
But messaging her made me feel worse as i got a reply which didnt really help. She had managed to get hold of the ED team but has been told it is unlikely i will be seen for 'many months'.
I told her i was really struggling with my eating and i have relapsed with the selfharm and laxative/pro plus abuse.
She said she will talk about it with me when i next see her, which is the 16th november.

I find it so frustrating though. i dont want to be like this, i hate this whole disorder and i want the help. but the adult mental health service in my area (especially the eating disorder service) is not very good at all.

So i have been home, in bed since 3pm. I went to the yard and barely sat down all day. Im so exhausted and emotional right now.

Clawing my way out of the downward spiral

So im home from a brilliant time at my mums, i didnt want to come home.
I spent all my days with her, we went shopping and i actually bought a dress!
*shock horror*
she bought me some new jewellery and i got a new tattoo. Its a little sunflower with a couple of tribal swirls near my ankle, in memory of my nan.
I walked my dogs and played with them in the garden and just generally had fun. I really didnt want to come home and for the first couple of days i was really tearful.

Then, my friends encouraged me to have a party on saturday night. ALOT of alcohol was consumed and then i had a relapse when the guys went to bed.
I binged on the last of the food and purged...and collapsed in the bathroom where i woke up in the morning. Classy.

I spent yesterday extremely hungover but once again binging.
Today, the photos have been posted and i look AWFUL.
Today i have been depressed and tearful, i have relapsed with the laxative and pro plus abuse, barely eaten anything and im just struggling alot.

im back at the yard tomorrow so i hope it will make me feel a little better. i hate this feeling, being so out of control and miserable and not knowing what the hell to do.

my therapist is still trying to find out how far up the waiting list i am for the ED team...
i need help soon. i really do. Maybe im not underweight but bulimia is just as damaging as anorexia. I miss being underweight though, i felt better in myself even though it wasnt enough, i wanted to be thinner...now i feel like im a failure. a huge failure.

Eating Disorders are so dangerous, i never thought it would get this bad. Never thought it would get so out of control.