Happy New Year.

Hey!
Havent updated in a while.
Exams, Xmas and now New Years...
and i have a stinkin rotten cold! :( but i love lemsip Breathe easy, it has saved my life. Well, not literally but it has helped alot.
My dad is going on about going to the flaming doctors because of my cough but what is it with people going to the doctors for EVERY little thing. I will see how it goes, im sure i will not have a cough in two weeks time. I have a COLD, im not dying.

So... i passed my exams :D yes, i am very happy about that.

Ive had a difficult xmas because of my grandparents not being there and my own personal mental health shit.

And new years, because of this cold i am staying home, in bed, sleeping.

Well, it depends. i use this support site and usually there will be a few people taking OD's or cutting and then telling us, who want a relaxing night in. I know i will be up for hours telling them to go to the hospital and then poor old paramedic/nurse person has to take over and this is the billionth time they have done this so far...

Happens every year. So i'll have fun.
But i must admit, i was like that as a youngster but never xmas or New years but still... argh. im rambling. so tired. must sleep.

I dont have a good title.

things have been going well lately.
Ive had really good feedback from the yard saying i am doing really well and i should fly through these exams. i mean, im teaching the other candidates!! haha. ive been acting yard manager to test my people skills and the only problem is that i back down when people argue with me.
Theres one girl, well really she's a woman, who needs ALOT of training and she argued with me about a rider assessment and i backed down and let her get on with it so thats what i need to sort out.

Its really hard for me though as the others that are training are mid twenties and older. i am not even 21 yet and they know it. They are all so immature though, always bitching and having petty arguments. The best one, over a LADYBIRD.
Yes, thats right, a ladybird.

So im happy at the yard, everything is going well and im feeling pretty positive about it all.

Home life, its ok i suppose. Still struggling with my own stuff and i miss my mum so much but she is home tomorrow and i cant wait to speak to her :D im actually excited now and trying not to bounce everywhere.

I spent yesterday on dover pier with my dad as he was fishing so i kept him company and helped him out. He wanted a Cod as it is cod season and he hasnt caught one in a long time. A bloke next to us needed our help bringing up a 7lb one which was fun but no one else had caught one at all in the past few hours. one other bloke had one quite a bit earlier but otherwise there was nothing.
Then, my dad pulled up a 3lb one so he was very happy and that was the last one of the day, not a sniff after that for anyone :)
Cod for dinner tonight then.

Ive come home and im meant to be hopping in the shower and getting ready as my brother is coming down so i had better get a move on :)

Caffeine Drip Please?

This blog is coming to you at 6:41am after 0hours of sleep.

Blame the fecking hamster.

I have to leave for the yard soon and im going to need a stupid amount of coffee to get me through the day.

I have been booked in for De-Fib training to go alongside my First Aid for next week. Apparently all leisure industries need one now??
I have also been booked in for a riding exam the week after next AND i have my riding element of my course the week after that.

I have LOTS of training to do, come wind, rain, sleet or snow, i will be out on the yard working my butt off. Im not sure i am going to make it through today though.

Why the feck do i own hamsters?? He kept me awake with chewing his cage instead of his toys and then buggered off to bed after i had an argument with him (bags under eyes, hair on end, almost crying)and then i couldnt get to sleep. So he has had a wonderful kip and had brilliant fun annoying me and im left feeling like the living dead.

(enter expletives here)

Ups & Downs

I'm now fully recovered from my fall :)
Well, i still have a few cuts and bruises but hey im feeling better.
My exam went well and i will find out my results in 2-3weeks apparently but i am feeling very positive about it and if i do by any chance fail then i am an idiot.
I thought it was easy. The exam paper was meant to take an hour and i took ten minutes and i did check it and double check it in that time.
It was all pretty much common sense apart from a few questions about a horses temperature, pulse and respiration and things about colic and other horsey ailments but the rest was about traveling a horse and the legislation and DEFRA.
I thought it was easy peasy and of course, showing that i can walk a horse up a ramp and down a ramp safely was not exactly rocket science. Ive done it a hundred times without managing to kill myself, the horse or anyone else so i think i have a very good chance of passing.

So that was friday.

Saturday i did my washing and bought new riding gear as mine was really looking scruffy. I cant quite afford a new hat at the moment though so im hoping i dont fall off again anytime soon as my hat is probably not going to help me much anymore.
I also went and bought some hair dye, ive decided to go darker again. I havent dyed my hair or even had it cut in a couple of years. Its long and a boring colour. Well, my friends like it because i have natural blonde highlights, they look like ive dyed it that way but i really havent. So im covering up the brown and blonde with dark brown. I'm leaving that til tomorrow when i have time to make sure i do it properly.

Today i have done hardly anything, my dad made me walk along the pier in Dover with him so he could see what fish were caught. I was not happy as it was awful weather, i mean really strong winds and chucking it down! And it was freezing.
I then proceeded to watch a recording of Badminton Horse Trials and the Arsenal and Chelsea match. Again, not happy with the result. Chelsea are the most irritating team ever. But i am pleased Kettering Town did good against Leeds :)

And being the sad person i am, i watched the X Factor. Im not enjoying it this year but its the only thing to watch on a sunday night and i like to look at Dermot O'Leary. :P

I did have some bad news about someone though and it looks like im going to be attending yet another funeral before the year is out. I dont really know what to write about it to be honest, i think i need time to let it sink in.

Tomorrow its time to go and tick the crazy or not crazy box. Yup, its mental health team appointment time again. Fun.

But for now, im pooped. Im going to climb into bed and watch Friends yet again and hopefully get a good night sleep :) x

aches and pains.

Its been two days since my fall and even though i went to the yard yesterday, i had to take the day off today.
My head still hurts and im tired and achey.
I went to the yard yesterday and i really shouldnt have. i was tired and in pain and emotional. Its funny how a bang to the head can mess you up so much.
This morning i woke up and pulled the duvet over my head, i text the people i needed to text and im staying in bed.
I HAVE to be at the yard tomorrow as i have an exam :( i dont have the energy to do it at the moment but i know i have to go or else i will be in alot of trouble with my yard manager.
Im out of painkillers and pepsi max so im going to have to go to the shop. Argh...
i want to go back to sleep.

An Epic Fall = A&E

Yus, i had a fab fall from a very big horse today.
He tanked off, bucked, did a hand brake turn and off i went. My head hit the fence with a very loud bang and i was left in a heap on the floor.
So i was shipped off to A&E where i have spent the afternoon. I have a lovely bump on my head. it caught the bottom of my hat and my head so i have a very cool bump and my hat is broken.
I have lovely grazes and bruises already, i ache like a bitch already and i was lucky to get out of there tonight. They want me to stay at my dads so he can keep an eye on me, he's at work at the mo so i got dropped off home instead. I really did not want to stay in hospital and i dont want to stay at my dads.

I'll be fine and back to the yard tomorrow. Im sure of it.

Good Day? Bad Day?

It depends on how you look at it.
On the one hand, i have finally gotten around to tidying my pig-sty of a room. It was truly awful and i had been putting it off. my low mood did not help. instead of doing all the things i was meant to do, like coursework, i stayed in bed and did nothing but smoke and drink copious amounts of pepsi max. (except when i was at the yard but even then i didnt do a great deal)
So i cleaned and organised my room and now it looks great.

The bad part of my day:

I woke up feeling pretty rubbish, i didnt have a great night sleep as i was worrying about my mum. She left for Cuba yesterday and had alsorts of problems with delays and stuff. Also, im already missing her, even though i dont see her that often, i speak to her almost everyday and now i have to wait two weeks until i speak to her again.
But, i felt really low and was craving a binge.
So, i got up, showered and walked to morrisons where i bought a load of shit and more diet coke. I hate doing this as i dont have the money to keep doing it but i still do it.
I then went to my dads instead of coming home as i knew i could binge and purge without being heard. I munched my way through 10 morrisons doughnuts and 4 crunch corner yogurts and had an awful lot of diet coke...as you can imagine, it was quite fucking disgusting.

So that put the downer on my day. I hate myself afterwards but it never stops me doing it. once its in my head, i have to do it. So out come the bloody laxatives and the pro plus and here comes a few days of pain to get the rest of the shit out if there is anything left after the purge.

When i read it back, it sounds, i dont know...not how i want to come across. (this isnt making sense i know) I want people to know, this is NOT ok. this is NOT the way to go to get 'skinny'. Because it certainly doesnt make you skinny and it certainly buggers your body up. I wish i had never gotten into this disorder but i cant just quit doing it and i need and want help. Its just a case of waiting for it.
And its a long, hard and frustrating wait.

S.A.D

I thought i should finally update. this is probably going to be short as i just got back from the yard and im not feeling too well.
Things have been extremely erratic recently. having good and bad days and am currently still battling with a major relapse with the ED.
I guess i have been restricting alot recently but i cant seem to eat 'normally'. I have been making sure im eating a lot of fruit and veg and a few nuts and keeping hydrated. i have managed not to binge and purge since friday and although i had a huge urge to binge today, i ate loads of fruit and made smoothies.

since i had swine flu a little while ago, ive had a cough which has now turned into a chest infection and its left me feeling really drained.

ive come home and im shattered so im going to have a nap and then i have to do my coursework. it has to be handed in tomorrow. I always leave these things to the last minute.

Chain Smoking Wreck.

Hmm...things are not going well and i had to text my therapist.
Major relapse with the Eating.
But messaging her made me feel worse as i got a reply which didnt really help. She had managed to get hold of the ED team but has been told it is unlikely i will be seen for 'many months'.
I told her i was really struggling with my eating and i have relapsed with the selfharm and laxative/pro plus abuse.
She said she will talk about it with me when i next see her, which is the 16th november.

I find it so frustrating though. i dont want to be like this, i hate this whole disorder and i want the help. but the adult mental health service in my area (especially the eating disorder service) is not very good at all.

So i have been home, in bed since 3pm. I went to the yard and barely sat down all day. Im so exhausted and emotional right now.

Clawing my way out of the downward spiral

So im home from a brilliant time at my mums, i didnt want to come home.
I spent all my days with her, we went shopping and i actually bought a dress!
*shock horror*
she bought me some new jewellery and i got a new tattoo. Its a little sunflower with a couple of tribal swirls near my ankle, in memory of my nan.
I walked my dogs and played with them in the garden and just generally had fun. I really didnt want to come home and for the first couple of days i was really tearful.

Then, my friends encouraged me to have a party on saturday night. ALOT of alcohol was consumed and then i had a relapse when the guys went to bed.
I binged on the last of the food and purged...and collapsed in the bathroom where i woke up in the morning. Classy.

I spent yesterday extremely hungover but once again binging.
Today, the photos have been posted and i look AWFUL.
Today i have been depressed and tearful, i have relapsed with the laxative and pro plus abuse, barely eaten anything and im just struggling alot.

im back at the yard tomorrow so i hope it will make me feel a little better. i hate this feeling, being so out of control and miserable and not knowing what the hell to do.

my therapist is still trying to find out how far up the waiting list i am for the ED team...
i need help soon. i really do. Maybe im not underweight but bulimia is just as damaging as anorexia. I miss being underweight though, i felt better in myself even though it wasnt enough, i wanted to be thinner...now i feel like im a failure. a huge failure.

Eating Disorders are so dangerous, i never thought it would get this bad. Never thought it would get so out of control.

Break

I'm off to my mums later :)
im quite excited.
i need to get away from this house and this city for a while and go see my mum and my dogs.
All packed and ready to go but im seeing my dad first so i should really get out of my bed.
I cannot wait to get to my mums, i really cant. I've missed her so much and my dogs and even the crazy kitten...well, cat now.
I love cats but this one is just bonkers. Seriously bonkers.

I'm far too excited to even typ really so i may update you when im there or you may have to wait til i get home which will be a few days.

Have a good day :)

Well and truly p'd off.

So i went to the dentist and sat there for 45minutes, eventually went in and he checked my teeth. I need two fillings for which i need to book another appointment as it was now their lunchtime. 10th November i need to go back.

I did a bit of shopping and came home, did nothing the whole afternoon.

Mum called me and told me the coroner came to the verdict of suicide. No surprise there then.

Then here comes the part where im well and truly pissed off:

My housemate opens the front door, i look up to see her walking in wearing my top. She runs upstairs so i dont have a go at her. She then comes downstairs wearing ANOTHER one of my tops and i point that out.
I then go up to her room where i find my airer, my pair of jeans, a pair of my black trousers, my 3/4 length leggings, another top of mine and here comes the worst...my bra and a pair of my thongs.

Yes.

And even worse...i KNOW they were in my wash bin.
She is revolting.
And im sick of her taking my things without asking. She goes through my drawers all the time. I know she has read my diary, she has used my make up, my washing stuff, everything.

There is even a sign on my door saying to stay out of my room and to not take my things. She says she is at uni so i thought she should be able to read. Im going to get my dad to put a padlock on there as my landlord still hasnt given me a key to my room. He is useless.
And my dad hates my housemate for many many reasons.

Also, i know for a fact she has dropped out of uni because she hasnt got any folders, no work, no nothing and i have seen her out and about when she has called me saying she is at a lecture. She also lies about being at her boyfriends, i dont care that she's there, i dont care that he cheats on her and got her pregnant and she had to have an abortion, i dont care. just dont lie to me.
I despise liars.

Grrr.

So i am off to my daddys. Im going to go chill out and may even stay there the night. My poor hamster hasnt had much attention these days, i do feel sorry for him. I mean, whenever im here bored, he's asleep and then when i want to go to sleep, he wakes up and tries his best to be as noisy as he can to keep me awake.

Yard tomorrow, then a whole week off.

*dances around a little*

Terrified :S

ahhh, i have the dreaded dentist soon!
Very, very scared and i have thought about cancelling but i cancelled the last time but did have a good reason: Swine Flu! Oink.
Im scared and also, i dont know how long i can go without coughing. i have a really chesty cough (which smoking is not really helping)and i dont think they will like me very much if i suddenly bolted up to cough.

I overslept this morning. i was going to get up early, have a shower, go collect my tobacco from the tobacco lady and do some other bits but again, ive ended up online. I have to leave soon to go and withdraw my money to hand over to evil dentist person. So not only is he going to inject me with the scary needle and mess around with my teeth but he is also going to have a huge effect on my bank balance which is already pretty low.

Yet again im going to miss a good night out, i havent been out in a long time but it has stopped the rumours that a person started at the yard. Apparantly i am a raging alcoholic and a drug addict.

I will say now that i have tried cannabis when i was younger but when you smoke way too much of it a go green in the face and start puking everywhere, its enough to put you off for life. Other drugs i will not touch, heroin, cocaine, pills...I see what it does to the people that come for their theraputic horse riding sessions and its not pretty.

I will admit though that on many occasions i have been admitted to hospital die to alcohol poisoning. this is usually because ive gone a bit bonkers and thought a few drinks would help. I then have the problem with knowing when to stop when im in that state of mind. It mainly happened when i was younger but the last time was January. I drank an awful lot, fell down the stairs and got hypothermia. I was very embarassed when i woke up and my dad was sitting there. It put me off drinking for a few months and i couldnt even stand up for three days. Needless to say, i havent gotten myself in that state for a while. Even in the summer when i drank alot of cider i was still just about concious as i managed to down some paracetamol but i havent allowed myself to get into the state i was back in january.

So to make it clear...I am NOT a drug addict and although i like the odd drinking binge, i am NOT an alcoholic.

Anyway, ramble over. Got to leave now and then after im going to wait for a phone call from my mum to let me know how the inquest went.

Have a pleasant day :)

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Today has been a rough day.

I barely got any sleep last night, for reasons unknown and i was none too happy about waking up to a freezing cold house and terrential rain.
But still i got up and lit my morning cigarette and found everything i need for riding.

I only managed to school one horse today, the weather was too bad to ride in and so i got on with a few jobs. Then my yard manager asked me to teach her cousin in the pooring rain. I was not very happy but i obliged.
Got on with more jobs and then bullied my yard manager into giving me the photos i needed for coursework evidence.
I left the yard early as i really couldnt bare to be there any longer. I was cold, tired and emotional.

I realise why i feel so terrible...the inquest into my grandads death is tomorrow. My mum is going to call me after to let me know how it went, obviously the verdict is going to be suicide.

I'm still finding it really hard to deal with, im just coping better i guess. Sometimes i think im almost over it but then sometimes i'll be laying in bed or sitting at the yard and my mind wanders to my grandparents.

I also have the dentist tomorrow, the first time in a long time due to a major fear of them. I dont know how im going to deal with it but i cant keep rolling around in pain. Years of bulimia takes its toll on your body in so many ways (and an addiction to diet coke).

I'm planning on going to my mums next week, i havent seen her in a while and i miss her (and my beautiful dogs). I cant wait to have a break.

I'll be shedding hair for a month

I've just got back from work and it is flaming freezing. I'm covered in horse hair after clipping my instructors horse, i didnt realise how much hard work it is, my arms will be aching for days and i will be shedding the hair that has gotten everywhere for months.

not alot happened really. There was quite alot of bitching which i avoided getting into by hiding at the smokers log, we had to turn out a nutty foal that has just been weaned into a field which tried to kill everyone...and then it was just the usual jobs to be done: mucking out, hay, water, feeds, harrowing, sweeping...

No riding today, i really wasnt in the mood anyway and tomorrow im planning on catching up and riding quite a few. Now im home, im probably not going to move, i have a 2ltr bottle of pepsi max, my pack of cigarettes and my laptop...I doubt i will move until i can be bothered to get up and have a shower and go to bed.

Im not feeling great today, i dont know why, well i do but i dont think its a great reason to feel so blah (yes, i'm not showing off my english skills very well but my brain doesnt want to work today). I guess one reason is the fact that im still feeling really insecure with the weight gain, ive fallen back into the bad habits today and not eaten but i have a can of soup in my bag which i may heat up in a bit (again, if i can be bothered to move). I know im not going to be able to work on this until ive finally got an appointment with the ED team. I've had the assessment back in April and im on the waiting list for help but no word yet of when that will be.
My current therapist isnt very useful. She admitted to me the other day that she doesnt know how to help me. she is only part of the intake team who only see's people for a maximum of 8 sessions, after that the patients are either discharged or move on to the enhanced team. I would like to know why i have been seeing her for over two years now and nothing has been sorted? I mean, it was only the beginning of the year that i was referred to the ED team.
I do miss my CAMHS team, they were helpful. *sigh*

I'm going to sit and watch a series of Friends i think, whilst wasting my time on facebook. I should really crack on with coursework but i will probably leave it til last minute and do it the day before it has to be handed in!

Worrying a little and im slightly bored

I was called into work today, on what is supposed to be a day off for the whole yard and the horses.
All the horses were shattered as we took them all to a show yesterday but i had to give a lesson this morning and the poor horse was not happy.
This particular horse is currently on a diet, in a starvation paddock where there is no grass and her hay is rationed. She really did not want to cooperate when i tried to teach this kid who was bouncing around on her back and pulling so hard on the reins, the bit was jabbing her mouth.
but i got paid so it makes me feel a bit better and i did treat the horse to a couple of pony nuts. she really is our best horse and getting old now but she is so gentle and puts up with so much, i do love her.

i came home this afternoon after checking all horses and instead of doing my housework i have sat here on facebook and youtube. I chatted to my mum for a while too as i needed a bit of reassurance.

I've gained a little weight, or a lot in my mind, and yesterday people commented that i look healthier and blah blah but i feel huge.

I'm tall (5'11) and i know my weight is in the healthy range but, having an eating disorder, you lose all rational thinking when it comes to food, weight, control. I couldnt wear my show stuff yesterday as i cant fit into it and that really messed me up. I am feeling really insecure and talked to my mum about it but she is just worried im going to get back into bad habits. (she doesnt know im still bulimic, she thinks i had anorexia because of the huge weightloss)

I dont know, im just worrying. Being a horse rider means you have to watch your weight too because the poor horses can only carry so much.

And i binged this afternoon...another failure, i should be used to this, ive done this for years but i swear it gets harder everytime.

Moving on.
Tomorrow i am up at the yard early, my instructor is taking me to her yard to clip her horse as no horses at our yard have full clips. This is for my course, i have to show i can do all sorts of stupid things including plaiting (which i did yesterday when i plaited all the horses for the show).

Im actually looking forward to having the morning off and so is my instructor, it means we dont have to put up with the others who are all in very bitchy moods right now. These guys are novices who we are training for exams, they are participants who have all sorts of problems ranging from drug and alcohol addicitions to anger problems to bipolar and psychosis. They are lovely but there is so much competition between them to see 1)who's the best horse rider and 2) who has the worst mental illness.

We'll leave them to the other instructor and the person who is coming in to help! hehe
me and my instructor get on really well and wont hurry back as im sure there'll be some drama and i really cant be bothered with it.

I really should go and do some housework and have a bath

The first of many...maybe

So hi there,

This is my first blog, i have been reading a few and thought its time to start my own online one.
Want to know a little about me?
Well, just call me horsey girl for now.

• I'm 20 (but feel a lot older than that already)
• I am an equine student and training to be an instructor/centre manager
• At the moment, i train and volunteer/work at a charity which gives disabled and other mentalist like myself, riding lessons.
• my main job is to re school the horses that have turned nuts from having people do what ever they like on them and just being a skivvy.
• I live in a student house with some interesting people to say the least.
• I am very well known to the local mental health team and emergency services.

I have had a pretty screwed up upbringing and since the age of 12 i have been in numerous adolescent units and hospitals and what not.

My 'diagnosis' (im not a fan of them) PTSD, Bulimia and OCD...selfharm and depression plays into them.

I have managed to keep myself out of hospital since the summer now, this year has been one of the most awful years of my life. My grandfather committed suicide in june and my nan passed away from cancer in july, i was forced to sell my wonderful horse and i fell out with everyone at my yard. So, i went a little bonkers, didnt go and see my therapist as i find her useless anyway, locked myself in my room and decided to see how close to death i could become. Living off of diet coke, cigarettes and seeing how many OTC painkillers you could swallow is one way to land yourself in A&E.

I do admire my friends though, they did everything they could for me and i treated them like shit. They had to physically restrain me after i decided to drink 6ltrs of cider and eat a few packets of paracetamol but they are still here for me.

I guess im out of that bad spot now, im actually quite happy as im back a the yard, competing, training and getting on with everyone better (most of them anyway) and I'm slowly getting over my grandparents deaths.

So i am a horsey girl with a twist.

People always say that to look at me, you wouldnt think i have been through/done what ive done but never judge a book by its cover. I'm not completely mental, im a normal 20year old with a few minor 'defects'.

i guess as this blog grows you will get to know more about me.

im like marmite, you'll either love me or you'll hate me. Personally, i hate marmite.