Worrying a little and im slightly bored

I was called into work today, on what is supposed to be a day off for the whole yard and the horses.
All the horses were shattered as we took them all to a show yesterday but i had to give a lesson this morning and the poor horse was not happy.
This particular horse is currently on a diet, in a starvation paddock where there is no grass and her hay is rationed. She really did not want to cooperate when i tried to teach this kid who was bouncing around on her back and pulling so hard on the reins, the bit was jabbing her mouth.
but i got paid so it makes me feel a bit better and i did treat the horse to a couple of pony nuts. she really is our best horse and getting old now but she is so gentle and puts up with so much, i do love her.

i came home this afternoon after checking all horses and instead of doing my housework i have sat here on facebook and youtube. I chatted to my mum for a while too as i needed a bit of reassurance.

I've gained a little weight, or a lot in my mind, and yesterday people commented that i look healthier and blah blah but i feel huge.

I'm tall (5'11) and i know my weight is in the healthy range but, having an eating disorder, you lose all rational thinking when it comes to food, weight, control. I couldnt wear my show stuff yesterday as i cant fit into it and that really messed me up. I am feeling really insecure and talked to my mum about it but she is just worried im going to get back into bad habits. (she doesnt know im still bulimic, she thinks i had anorexia because of the huge weightloss)

I dont know, im just worrying. Being a horse rider means you have to watch your weight too because the poor horses can only carry so much.

And i binged this afternoon...another failure, i should be used to this, ive done this for years but i swear it gets harder everytime.

Moving on.
Tomorrow i am up at the yard early, my instructor is taking me to her yard to clip her horse as no horses at our yard have full clips. This is for my course, i have to show i can do all sorts of stupid things including plaiting (which i did yesterday when i plaited all the horses for the show).

Im actually looking forward to having the morning off and so is my instructor, it means we dont have to put up with the others who are all in very bitchy moods right now. These guys are novices who we are training for exams, they are participants who have all sorts of problems ranging from drug and alcohol addicitions to anger problems to bipolar and psychosis. They are lovely but there is so much competition between them to see 1)who's the best horse rider and 2) who has the worst mental illness.

We'll leave them to the other instructor and the person who is coming in to help! hehe
me and my instructor get on really well and wont hurry back as im sure there'll be some drama and i really cant be bothered with it.

I really should go and do some housework and have a bath