Today has been a rough day.
I barely got any sleep last night, for reasons unknown and i was none too happy about waking up to a freezing cold house and terrential rain.
But still i got up and lit my morning cigarette and found everything i need for riding.
I only managed to school one horse today, the weather was too bad to ride in and so i got on with a few jobs. Then my yard manager asked me to teach her cousin in the pooring rain. I was not very happy but i obliged.
Got on with more jobs and then bullied my yard manager into giving me the photos i needed for coursework evidence.
I left the yard early as i really couldnt bare to be there any longer. I was cold, tired and emotional.
I realise why i feel so terrible...the inquest into my grandads death is tomorrow. My mum is going to call me after to let me know how it went, obviously the verdict is going to be suicide.
I'm still finding it really hard to deal with, im just coping better i guess. Sometimes i think im almost over it but then sometimes i'll be laying in bed or sitting at the yard and my mind wanders to my grandparents.
I also have the dentist tomorrow, the first time in a long time due to a major fear of them. I dont know how im going to deal with it but i cant keep rolling around in pain. Years of bulimia takes its toll on your body in so many ways (and an addiction to diet coke).
I'm planning on going to my mums next week, i havent seen her in a while and i miss her (and my beautiful dogs). I cant wait to have a break.
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