9/11 - We Will Never Forget

Today, a day i had to post.
I am not an American Citizen, i do not know any of the victims but i was affected by the horrid things that happened 10 years ago today.
Everyone i speak to can remember exactly what they were doing that day, me, i was in school doing reception duties when the first plane hit. I was then at home with my mum when we saw the second and i remember feeling all the hairs stand up on my body, even at the age of 12, i understood what was happening. I realised the world was a terrifying place.
I hope all those that died on that day are at peace, they will never be forgotten, we will fight for them.
For the minority who use these social networking sites to disrespect the dead - i hope you never have to go through what they went through and hope one day you will be mature enough to join us and remember.

Its been a long time.

Wow, this really has been a long time.
i guess i just lose interest and then forget to ever come back.
Well, alot has happened since i last blogged.

I am living back with my dad, sleeping behind the sofa in the lounge. it really is not the nicest place, but its a roof over my head.

I am yard manager at the yard and doing an NVQ3 in Management (its the most boring course ive done so far!)

I will be needing to get off my arse and start looking for jobs soon as my contract ends in december, such a bad time for me to be jobless when its christmas, new years and im meant to be going skiing from 2nd-9th January. I dont know how the hell im going to do it.

My mental health has been here, there and everywhere.
Things have improved in some ways but gotten worse in others. I suffer more frequent and longer periods of depression where i become suicidal and impulsive. Sometimes resorting back to self harm, although never as severe as it used to be. I tend to get out of control with my drinking too, like last night. i am suffering today.

Then there is food and eating, its so erratic and i worry about it day and night. this is one thing i still cant tackle. My weight is dropping and shooting back up again in no time and im finding i have more and more problems with my physical health. Im starting to sort the physical issues, im having tests to find out why im having such bad joint pain at the moment and my next appointment is monday.

For now im just going to recover from my heavy night last night and then i have alot of things to sort out as im off on holiday to sunny Florida in 9 days time. I cannot wait to get there and relax, i have worked hard for it!

I will try my hardest to update this regularly from now on, but dont count on it.

Happy New Year.

Hey!
Havent updated in a while.
Exams, Xmas and now New Years...
and i have a stinkin rotten cold! :( but i love lemsip Breathe easy, it has saved my life. Well, not literally but it has helped alot.
My dad is going on about going to the flaming doctors because of my cough but what is it with people going to the doctors for EVERY little thing. I will see how it goes, im sure i will not have a cough in two weeks time. I have a COLD, im not dying.

So... i passed my exams :D yes, i am very happy about that.

Ive had a difficult xmas because of my grandparents not being there and my own personal mental health shit.

And new years, because of this cold i am staying home, in bed, sleeping.

Well, it depends. i use this support site and usually there will be a few people taking OD's or cutting and then telling us, who want a relaxing night in. I know i will be up for hours telling them to go to the hospital and then poor old paramedic/nurse person has to take over and this is the billionth time they have done this so far...

Happens every year. So i'll have fun.
But i must admit, i was like that as a youngster but never xmas or New years but still... argh. im rambling. so tired. must sleep.

I dont have a good title.

things have been going well lately.
Ive had really good feedback from the yard saying i am doing really well and i should fly through these exams. i mean, im teaching the other candidates!! haha. ive been acting yard manager to test my people skills and the only problem is that i back down when people argue with me.
Theres one girl, well really she's a woman, who needs ALOT of training and she argued with me about a rider assessment and i backed down and let her get on with it so thats what i need to sort out.

Its really hard for me though as the others that are training are mid twenties and older. i am not even 21 yet and they know it. They are all so immature though, always bitching and having petty arguments. The best one, over a LADYBIRD.
Yes, thats right, a ladybird.

So im happy at the yard, everything is going well and im feeling pretty positive about it all.

Home life, its ok i suppose. Still struggling with my own stuff and i miss my mum so much but she is home tomorrow and i cant wait to speak to her :D im actually excited now and trying not to bounce everywhere.

I spent yesterday on dover pier with my dad as he was fishing so i kept him company and helped him out. He wanted a Cod as it is cod season and he hasnt caught one in a long time. A bloke next to us needed our help bringing up a 7lb one which was fun but no one else had caught one at all in the past few hours. one other bloke had one quite a bit earlier but otherwise there was nothing.
Then, my dad pulled up a 3lb one so he was very happy and that was the last one of the day, not a sniff after that for anyone :)
Cod for dinner tonight then.

Ive come home and im meant to be hopping in the shower and getting ready as my brother is coming down so i had better get a move on :)

Caffeine Drip Please?

This blog is coming to you at 6:41am after 0hours of sleep.

Blame the fecking hamster.

I have to leave for the yard soon and im going to need a stupid amount of coffee to get me through the day.

I have been booked in for De-Fib training to go alongside my First Aid for next week. Apparently all leisure industries need one now??
I have also been booked in for a riding exam the week after next AND i have my riding element of my course the week after that.

I have LOTS of training to do, come wind, rain, sleet or snow, i will be out on the yard working my butt off. Im not sure i am going to make it through today though.

Why the feck do i own hamsters?? He kept me awake with chewing his cage instead of his toys and then buggered off to bed after i had an argument with him (bags under eyes, hair on end, almost crying)and then i couldnt get to sleep. So he has had a wonderful kip and had brilliant fun annoying me and im left feeling like the living dead.

(enter expletives here)

Ups & Downs

I'm now fully recovered from my fall :)
Well, i still have a few cuts and bruises but hey im feeling better.
My exam went well and i will find out my results in 2-3weeks apparently but i am feeling very positive about it and if i do by any chance fail then i am an idiot.
I thought it was easy. The exam paper was meant to take an hour and i took ten minutes and i did check it and double check it in that time.
It was all pretty much common sense apart from a few questions about a horses temperature, pulse and respiration and things about colic and other horsey ailments but the rest was about traveling a horse and the legislation and DEFRA.
I thought it was easy peasy and of course, showing that i can walk a horse up a ramp and down a ramp safely was not exactly rocket science. Ive done it a hundred times without managing to kill myself, the horse or anyone else so i think i have a very good chance of passing.

So that was friday.

Saturday i did my washing and bought new riding gear as mine was really looking scruffy. I cant quite afford a new hat at the moment though so im hoping i dont fall off again anytime soon as my hat is probably not going to help me much anymore.
I also went and bought some hair dye, ive decided to go darker again. I havent dyed my hair or even had it cut in a couple of years. Its long and a boring colour. Well, my friends like it because i have natural blonde highlights, they look like ive dyed it that way but i really havent. So im covering up the brown and blonde with dark brown. I'm leaving that til tomorrow when i have time to make sure i do it properly.

Today i have done hardly anything, my dad made me walk along the pier in Dover with him so he could see what fish were caught. I was not happy as it was awful weather, i mean really strong winds and chucking it down! And it was freezing.
I then proceeded to watch a recording of Badminton Horse Trials and the Arsenal and Chelsea match. Again, not happy with the result. Chelsea are the most irritating team ever. But i am pleased Kettering Town did good against Leeds :)

And being the sad person i am, i watched the X Factor. Im not enjoying it this year but its the only thing to watch on a sunday night and i like to look at Dermot O'Leary. :P

I did have some bad news about someone though and it looks like im going to be attending yet another funeral before the year is out. I dont really know what to write about it to be honest, i think i need time to let it sink in.

Tomorrow its time to go and tick the crazy or not crazy box. Yup, its mental health team appointment time again. Fun.

But for now, im pooped. Im going to climb into bed and watch Friends yet again and hopefully get a good night sleep :) x

aches and pains.

Its been two days since my fall and even though i went to the yard yesterday, i had to take the day off today.
My head still hurts and im tired and achey.
I went to the yard yesterday and i really shouldnt have. i was tired and in pain and emotional. Its funny how a bang to the head can mess you up so much.
This morning i woke up and pulled the duvet over my head, i text the people i needed to text and im staying in bed.
I HAVE to be at the yard tomorrow as i have an exam :( i dont have the energy to do it at the moment but i know i have to go or else i will be in alot of trouble with my yard manager.
Im out of painkillers and pepsi max so im going to have to go to the shop. Argh...
i want to go back to sleep.